I know I'm not postpartum depressioning. I may be postpartum drooping or slouching. We'll call it that. But, regardless of what name I give it, it doesn't make it seem less pronounced or make me write it off as nothing.
I'll start with mediocre. I understand that I am not dispensable. My family legitimately needs me. And not just for meals and clean clothes. I talk to my kids, I read to them occasionally, I hug and kiss them. But, as I go through the tasks that fill my day, I just feel like I come up short. I talk to other moms and recently I read posts on others blogs or on Facebook about how people are "giving up" blogging or Facebook because they feel they need to spend more time with the people they love. To be perfectly honest.....some of the times when I feel most productive is when I finish a few posts on my blog. I feel like I'm doing something of worth for my kids to have later in life. So quickly I allow myself to wonder, "Well, what are they doing with their kids, that I'm not, that would lead them to feel this way about Facebook or blogging."
I've also been thinking quite a bit lately about the kind of person I want to emulate. I have a dear friend, Alexis, who immediately comes to mind. She is humble, she is kind, she is funny, she is genuine, and she has a strong testimony of the gospel. Just being in her presence made my day brighter and I ALWAYS left her feeling better about my life and myself. On this same list are a few other people I know that radiate goodness and just shine. What do they spend their day doing? Only a couple of them are on Facebook and they rarely, if ever post anything at all. None of them are on Instagram. Now, does this mean that I think social media is evil and that I am evil because I join in on the fun? No, it doesn't. But it leads me back to the same question....what are they doing, that I'm not? Which also leads me to my next word....LAZY which could really just be / with WEAK. So here it goes....lazy/weak.
Ultimately, I do know some of the things that those people are doing that I'm not. They are much better at having the Spirit in their lives. They are regular with their prayers, they are reading their scriptures consistently. But surely that's not all they are doing. I get that I need to step it up a notch in the spiritual areas of my life. I'm lazy. Am I angry with God? No. Do I feel frustrated with life, so I'm not reading my scriptures and praying? Nope...just lazy.
I'm trying to lose the last fifteen pounds that I still have on my bod since giving birth to Sullivan. So...naturally I need to make better choices in the food department. I start my day feeling good and motivated. By 1:00, I am sneaking Hershey Kisses (I don't even really like Hershey Kisses) and finishing half a box of Triscuits (I do really like Triscuits, especially the Fire Roasted Tomato ones).
You may have seen a pattern in a couple of my rants. Facebook and Instagram. Some may think, "Why doesn't she just get off of them and then she would be closer to emulating those people she admires." I'll tell you why....weak. I am too weak and/or lazy to figure out a different way to communicate to my branch or my kids school. I would miss out on information I need. But, more importantly, I would miss out on connecting to my family and friends regularly. It helps me to not feel so far away. So then, the obvious answer would be to limit it, but there it is again....too weak. It's my "go-to" when I'm bored or feeding the baby.
I'm gonna add one more word to my list: Selfish. It's not the kind of "in your face" selfishness that you might be thinking. It's more of a "I REALLY want my own time" kind of selfish. Or maybe I start to resent my kids because I want to be able to take a nap anytime I want or go out to eat. Or I'm selfish with my time because I don't spend it playing games with them or watching them at the park. Sometimes I think that I'm too selfish to be a really good mom. I'm about the right amount of selfish to be an okay mom or a mediocre mom. Sorry kids.
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